All day I felt like I was forgetting something. It made me uneasy. Like I wasn’t taking care of something important.
It wasn’t until I lay down and reflected a little bit that I realized what I kept feeling like I was forgetting was fear. I hadn’t felt afraid enough today and my inner fear monster wanted more.
The feeling matched the insight with an ‘AHA!’ feeling. I feel like my fear has become a bad best friend that I have to take care of too much. I can never have time just for myself because my fear needs me to listen to it. It has something important to tell me.
The fear is covering my feelings of grief. More and more when I become lost in anxiety, fear and depression, I wonder if there isn’t grief over something that anxiety, fear and depression are covering over for me.
Grief is singularly hard because nothing can be done about it. Nothing. It has to take its time and course and that feels so wrong. But it is right. It is grief’s way. I don’t know why grief is that way.
So fear or grief. Not an appetizing choice. But I guess I choose grief because it seems like at least with grief I get somewhere in the suffering. I get wiser because of grief. No on ever grows wiser because of fear.