I recently had a big breakthrough. This was an emotional-spiritual breakthrough that has proven significant for my moment to moment quality of life. I have never been this well or felt this whole.
And I hardly know what to do with myself. It’s as though a new sky, a more spacious and breathable sky, has opened in my universe. And I can fly in it. Yet, I keep grounding myself with habituated behavior.
Why? I have been asking myself why? To what end? Well, turns out I don’t know what to do with myself in this new flying state.
I have been told that with this new healing all I need to do is care for it. Be with it. Pay attention with love to it. And I am.
And I am noticing how habituated my mind is to thought patterns that are shortening. I seek out patterns of behavior, such as watching too much TV, that suffocate my new air.
I am learning, to take care of this new health and love inside of me, to breathe life into this newness. I am habituated to thoughts and behaviors that suffocate, but I am also learning how to take care of a newness.
I am writing more. That breathes life into the newness. I am taking each moment more presently even though when I do that it feels like I am moving and breathing underwater. This gives breath to the newness and allows my body to feel its unfurling within my spiritual system.
I am uncomfortable with my freedom. I do not know what to do with it or myself or how to consistently care for it. The wonderful thing though is that since I have worked for this freedom, it is not going to leave. I only have to learn how to be with it. How to love it. How to live it within my body and my awareness.
I want to respect the newnesses presence. I don’t want to ignore it less it feels disrespected. I said this freedom wouldn’t leave now that it is here. But it could leave. If I leave it out it could simply stop being. Disappear. I don’t want my freedom to feel ignored by my ignoring it.
This freedom bumps up against my edges and a depression and sense of despair and hopelessness rear up. So it is a dance, a rhythm learning to ingest this new freedom. My original wholeness that was buried. The New expands within me to my new edges and everything that ever hurt or loved inside of me gets stirred up.
Self-Care is a vehicle for me now. A vehicle to help me nurture a vulnerable wholeness. I have to Self-Care. I have to let go of bashing on myself for safety.
Goodbye self bashing. Thank you for your service. I now longer need you as the main voice. I have a new main voice that is leading the way. This new voice is support with realistic boundaries. And I have to remember this new voice. I have to heed, more and more, this new voice. I have to pay attention to what it is saying so I can understand.
Self-loathing, I understand what you say. And why. I know you well and how far I can go with you. And I let you go. Thank you for your service self-loathing. My new bodyguard is Unconditional Self-Love. Me and my new bodyguard, Unconditional Self-Love, go everywhere together. And right now there isn’t any more room for any other voice.
And I have to learn how to speak the language of my new body guard. So I will be listening closely to U.S.L from now on. I will learn. My small, soft animal body wants things. Needs things. And I am learning how to care for that so happiness will like staying with me.
Goodbye old ways. Thank you. Goodbye. I bury you into the earth to be transformed into energy that is beneficial for the greater good. I accept and gather into my heart and body and spirit and mind my new ways. My new ways of Self-Love, Compassion and reality-based boundaries. I step into my practice of practicing Love.