A little about me

My dad, for lack of a better way to understand it, had a sociopathic personality. The man didn’t care who he hurt. He didn’t care that he hurt. He hurt. A lot. And both parents were drinkers. So…

So it seems natural to me then, that I would also have parts of a sociopathic personality. Certainly I have looked back on ways I treated people in my life with horror and sadness that I had been so callous with them. I meditate on what it means, what it is, to have sociopathic tendencies. In a culture like the current culture in North America now, it seems inevitable to me that most of our population will have tendencies of sociopathic personality.

For my sociopathic traits, I have noticed that they seem to operate most easily when I feel distant from myself. My own experience doesn’t seem to matter to me and neither does that of others. This distance is misery not-felt.

I like writing because writing makes me feel closer with myself. I literally feel like I am warming myself up from the inside when I write. I feel calmed as though I have sat down in front of a hearth fire. When I am closer with myself I have more clarity in regards to what is going on in and around me. When I have more insight I am less likely to act out what I am feeling.

Writing helps me to consciously experience my feelings. When I am consciously aware of what my feelings are, my feelings don’t tend to manifest themselves as much in my actions or words. It is strange to feel like I am holding my own hand when I write. It is strange to feel like I am being closer with myself and more understood by myself because I am writing.

Writing has almost begun to feel like another person. The other person is me only I am more developed, more compassionate with myself and life and more warm.

So, I like writing because I had a sociopathic father and a mother who allowed it and they both drank.

Hurahh!

I feel new boundaries. Wavering. I feel a new comfort in my beauty as a sentient being. A new security with my worth. It feels like the frontiers of space. Rippling. Spacious. Breathing. Expanding.

My body feels outlined with energy. I accepted my pain and misery. And now it is time to accept and be able to appreciate my beauty and gifts. What a multi-dimensional phenomenon. I suppose I felt to my outer limits as much as I was able in all directions from rock bottom to sky high and in and out and throughout and now I know where I am in space/time and what size I am relative to everything else and I feel a new home inside of me. Accept. Comfort. Home.

Room to grow. A little day trip. Spontaneity. All these feelings had fallen into place within me and I felt able to let them be there while I held the tension tightly to my torso and be’d there with the spacious spontaneity sensations that had moved in. I made room. I could make room for them now. Room to breathe.

Healing is so strange. I took steps. I was met half way. Now I am home after having been away; away for awhile. The impossible seems possible. My body feels like it is mine again and I am comfortable and joyous to be here. With myself. Not against myself.

Stories

Today I noticed for the first time that I wasn’t making up stories about someone else or a situation I was in in order to avoid feeling my feelings. The stories I would have made up about the person or situation I was in would have been agitating stories. They would have been stories that I could use to explain why I was feeling agitated. Today I noticed for the first time that I was feeling this agitation in my body purely and naturally and without needing a story about someone or something to blame the feelings on.

I don’t know why I needed the stories in the first place. Either way I was going to feel agitated. Maybe the stories helped me feel like I was ‘doing something’ to ‘help fix’ my ‘problem’.

Today, I kept trying to put my agitation onto the person and situation I was in. Then I would remember with a feeling of light relief that I was feeling agitated from earlier and nothing happening currently was why I was feeling agitated. I could let my feelings be in my body without interrupting them with a story.

My feelings are agitating because I don’t know why Im agitated and I want a break from it. I want some relief. Maybe that’s why the stories.

It feels fine to let my feelings be inside of me. I don’t know why they’re there, but they’re there. Im going to treat them like a small child whom I love a lot. Im going to be extra nice to them and myself and maybe that will help comfort me and them with all the huge events going on in the world right now.

I Hurl Into Myself Using My Breath

I hurl myself

into my body

over and over again.

My breath breathes me

as I cannonball into my stomach

into my chest

with my breath.

My chest breath, my stomach breath

my body breath

my breathing breath

that I breathe

to be into my own body. Inside.

I use my breath so I can exist inside of my own self.

A place largely unfamiliar to me

but becoming

more familiar with

each breath.

Cannabis-Assisted Psychedelic Therapy

I am currently training to become a certified Psychedelic therapist. This means I have to get my hours in so I practiced with my friend last night. They had themselves set up in their bedroom and we were practicing over Zoom.

We began the journey and I focused mainly on what was going on within myself while keeping a gentle eye on my friend. I began to notice that a rainbow was coming through my friends window. As the music played, the rainbow began to grow more and more intense.

The rainbow grew steadily larger with more colors. It formed a vortex that reached all the way from the window onto the form of my friend who was laying down with their eye closed. The colors increased and convex lines of different colored bands began to form along the rainbow vortex.

I could not believe my eyes. As the song went into a softer mode, the rainbow began to reced and waver. As the song grew more bold the rainbow vortex increased so that it’s circular opening was encasing my friends head. The rainbow began to pulse and vibrate on beat to the music.

The rainbow vortex grew more and more intense as it covered my friends face all the way pulsing with the beat of the music. As the music subsided and the journey ended the rainbow vortex slowly began to dissipate until there was no presence of it in the room as the journey came to an end.

I could hardly believe what I had seen. I took lots of pictures and showed my friend when they woke up a rainbow kissing their face with the most intense colors I had ever seen.

I am training to become a Cannabis-Assisted Psychedelic Therapist and it looks like thast experience was just another day at the office!

Heart Prayer

I ask my allies

to

enter my heart and

live there.

Please, protect

my heart from

my own fear

my own anxiety

my own insecurity.

Please

let my heart be

a soft home

with a warm light left on

so I have somewhere I can be

that feels good that is safe that accepts.

Please

help me help myself have a heart

that can love.

My Moths

My moths

the light, changeable sensitivities that

bump up against a thing until the light of the truth is felt.

But don’t moths fly into the light and die?

The light of the truth truth does zap me into another dimension. That’s why I like it.

My moths.

They flock to the feeling of the thing. No words.

My moths are so light and delicate that sometimes

I am scared to show them. My moths.

I bring my moths into my heart and ask them to protect my heart.

That way we are both protected.

My moths make me feel so good. They change color and they are always still authentically themselves.

The over-sexualization of women as institutional grooming of young girls

Our society over-sexualizes women’s bodies. Young girls see this. Dolls are marketed to young girls displaying this: Barbie dolls. Brattz dolls. This is institutional grooming.

One of the behaviors of a pedophile is grooming. This is when the pedophile ‘readies’ the child for an increasingly sexual relationship. The pedophile exhibits grooming behavior after they have selected a victim. Pedophiles select victims by a few criteria, the main one being that the victim is vulnerable.

Children are the most vulnerable. To inculcate them with images of sex as pertaining to the female body (thus a young girls future body) is to turn their focus toward sexual matters. There is no reason for adults to introduce children into situations where sex is present (except for answering questions from children relating to natural sexual curiosity) other than to groom them.

The Over-sexualizing of women has reached down to little girls. Our society is grooming them. We live in a pedophile patriarchy that readies young girls to become accepting of the over-sexualization of their bodies by seeing it on the women.

The over-sexualization of women is so that the pedophile patriarchy can groom young children, young girls in particular.

Rape Culture Continued

“Although some of the author’s concerns here make sense, most of this is highly overwrought and silly. The guy sounds like kind of a clown, and I’m sure worse at times, but I’m wondering why the girls just didn’t stay away from him if he was so obviously bad…Did any female students routinely initiate contact with this teacher, or start talking about boyfriends on their own? That would kind of change the narrative a bit I think”.

-Jim Carlile responding to an article in the Sonoma County Gazette about a teacher at Sonoma Academy, Marco Morrone, who was fired, in April 2021, for being a sexual predator.

The response given by this man, Jim Carlile, is rape culture. Jim focuses on the victim. He focuses on the victim’s actions and on the victim’s words. Jim asks why the victims didn’t act differently. He expects the victims to have been able to handle a situation that was heavily skewed against them and that the staff and other adults couldn’t even admit was happening even though complaints had been made. Jim focuses on the victim and expects the victim to be responsible for all the behavior in the entire situation. Jim and others like him need to train their minds to stay focused on the predator and not the prey. Jim and others like him need to educate their minds about power imbalances and the dynamics they create. Jim does not understand the why’s and how’s and so he resorts to focusing on the helpless victims because it is just as easy to go after victims with blame as it is to go after victims, or prey, with sexual assault. They are not protected. Victims are focused on. But they are not protected or cared for.

The author of this article, Rhi Alyxander, attended Sonoma Academy herself and wrote that the teacher and sexual predator, Marco Morrone, was very popular with staff and students. “Not only was Marco publicly objectifying my classmates, but he was celebrated as a role model while doing so”. -Something Rotten in Sonoma County, Sonoma County Gazette July 2021, Rhi Alyxander

Minimizing the danger of sexual predators and focusing on the victim while also blaming the victim is how people uphold rape culture. To take an accusation seriously, the focus must remain on the alleged perpetrator, not their victims. To take an accusation seriously, the focus must remain on the enablers who shielded the alleged perpetrator from consequences and accountability.

The focus that should be put on the victim is this one: The victim is never at fault. The victim is never at fault. The victim is never at fault.