When I don’t go to work when I am supposed to I feel terrible all day. My inner little girl will not feel it is safe enough to come out and enjoy life if I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. She feels like I have been bad and must punish myself by hating myself for not being better than I am. She feels it is right that I should be punished. That happiness is for the others.
To help with this rigidity I try to connect with her more. To let her see that that may have felt like a good solution because it worked when she was little, now there is no need for it. And she needs me to let her know this. By my not correcting this thinking with consciousness she will continue on thinking she is being ‘good’ by thinking that way.
I imagine I am speaking with a little girl. We talk like any two people would. Depression in a family and culture falls hard on the children. She feels profoundly hurt. Rejected. Slammed. Hated and plotted against and hunted and attacked. All these feelings were valid for that is what happened. That is what is allowed to happen to children. That is how bad it feels for them. Even if the adults feels otherwise.
She feels the people and the world is dying and dead around her and that it is slowly covering her life-light. As my then 4 year old niece described to me last year: “I am getting poisoned each night”. Too much chaos and lack of consistency is the same sensation as a big earthquake for a child. A huge earthquake going on all the time with an entire void and chasm opening up in the ground beneath their feet.
Without my inner little girl feeling it is safe enough to come out and enjoy life I have no hope of being happy. Depression and anxiety are both forms of me being out of touch with what my inner little girl is saying. Mostly she is saying she is scared. It may sound like something else, but actually hearing what my inner girl is saying brings relief. Even if I have done nothing to change the situation yet.
My adult self has the power to change a situation. My inner little girl has the power to say what she needs. My adult self has the power to listen to my inner girl. When I don’t listen her absence and my connection with space/time is covered over with depression, anxiety and a sense of things being surreal at times.
When I feel guilty for not having listened to her more I am blocking myself from being able to hear her in the present moment and future. Punishment of myself is counterproductive when doing Self-Reflection Work.
When I listen and giver her what she is telling me she needs I feel comfort and a huge sadness and grief. Life is unbearably painful. Life becomes real when the pain becomes real. A sense of possibility is also starting to break through the cracks leaving me with a sense of carefree joy and optimism. It feels as though I could fly.
She has no agenda. She is the one who can live in the present. She is the lack of worry. She is what feeling good is. Letting her be there. Scared and all. The connection is so soft between us. And so sensitive. And without softness there can be na happiness. Without the connection to the child within there can be no happiness.